My Dark Companion

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T/W: Metaphorical themes of depression

Hello there my darkest friend, have you come to visit me again?

I can't control when my dark companion comes to visit. I know it's always around, lurking. Waiting. It's easier when the lights are off and I don't have to face anyone when it comes to pay its respects, but I can't control when it slides its cold hand over my shoulder and pulls me close. I know that embrace is cold, I know it's lonely, I know that some days my companion's hold is so tight I can't pry those arms loose. There are days when I must pretend it hasn't come around.

But I know my companion. We've become familiar with each other over the years its been hanging around. It's like a beast hanging around in the shadows, just out of sight. I can feel it's presence, but I don't know when it will step into the light for me to face.

Some days its embrace is quiet, inviting even. Some days I allow that darkness to wrap around me and hold me. I lean into it on days when I don't have to function as a human, when I'm too tired to fight it off. Because there are times when the exhaustion is so deep it's more comfortable to just stay in bed with my companion of darkness whispering things in my head. Things I believe. Because it's easier. Because I'm too tired to think otherwise.

Some days I fight for my life to be free. The days when I have things I want to do, people to meet, activities to enjoy. Sometimes my companion choses these days to tug me down. It's those days where I fight. I don't want my companion to ruin this for me. But it must just be part of everything... mustn't it? And I fight. And I smile. But I am exhausted from fighting. I know I will pay for it later but I need that little bit of light beyond my dark companion to stay alive.

Because my companion of darkness can lay so heavily on my chest at times I feel like I can't breathe. Sometimes its hold it so tight I feel like I can't move. My body aches. My head spins. Sometimes I cry, if I have the energy. Sometimes it puts its hand over my mouth of I can't make a sound.

My companion is not easy to be around. It drains me. It takes a lot to keep it under control. I don't want it to hurt anyone else. I don't want anyone else to know of this dark friend of mine. So I keep it a secret. Just between me and it. No one needs to know of my companion. It's not anyone else's problem but mine.

But my companion is reliable. I know it's always there; looking over my shoulder, caressing the back of my hand, breathing down my neck, watching from the shadows, waiting to drag me down to its depths again... That's one thing I can say about my companion. It's always there. So reliable, don't you think? More loyal than most people, but just as dangerous.

My companion is not one that I can shake. It's been with me for as long as I can remember. Always there to cast a shadow over things that are bright, always there to cast it's shadow of doubt, always there to chill me to the bone when I'm too tired to fight it off.

I cannot get rid of my companion of darkness. But I've learned to understand it. I've learned to predict it's moves. I've learned to watch for its patterns. I've learned that when the darkness is closing in, to reach for the light that's left before I'm totally suffocated by my dark friend.